Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Happy New Year!

My blog posts have been few and far between. I don't have a writing schedule. I just write when I feel like I need to. When I sit down to write a post, it is because the words have been bubbling up inside me for a week or more. Writing them down is so therapeutic, and rejuvenating for me.

I am so lucky to have so many people who care about me and my family. 
The question I get the most is the obvious one, 
"How are you feeling?". 
My answer is always, 
"Great! I feel so great and so blessed!".

But it is so much more than that. 
So I feel like this is a good place to elaborate.

I do feel great. Like, better than I have felt for years. 
I am not dizzy, I don't feel nauseous. I have more energy.

But mostly, I feel ALIVE!
Until this year, I have never stood death so closely in the face. 
This was the first time I felt like I needed to pray in order to plead for my life. 
Not just praying to not die, but praying to keep my life.
 The life where I am ME.
The life where I can care for myself and my family.
The life where I am an equal partner in my marriage.
The life where I am not fragile, and I am capable.

January 1, 2015 will mark 5 months since
 my jaw was removed in the first surgery. 
That sure doesn't sound like very long. 
Its really not very long.

I have always believed in miracles. 
I have read and learned about miracles my entire life.
None of that prepared me to 
become a miracle.

I wish I could describe fully what it is like to look into a child's eyes 
when they tell you they prayed for you to get better. 

To literally see their faith and confidence that their prayers were answered.
I have never learned more than in those sweet moments.


These children taught me that it's not about me, 
its about everyone who was uplifted by witnessing me recover.

Its about the people around me who read and heard my testimony that the Savior lives!
The conversations that were had between parents and children teaching them empathy
 and what it is to pray for someone else's benefit.
The children who saw their parents serving my family, watching my children, making us dinners, sending us cards, even cleaning my house.
My children, who were the most greatly affected, witnessed all of the good, 
that greatly out weighed all of the bad.

I always wondered how the people in the New Testament scriptures felt after they were 
healed by the Savior. 
Now I know. 
And now I know what it feels like to experience that miracle over and over 
 through the eyes of the people around me.

I am so grateful to be able to be a walking testament of the love Jesus Christ has for all of us. 


I am not only alive, but able to live my life the way I want to.

I am still the same, although I have changed so much too.


As I have gotten back into my regular life, I find myself wanting to tell people what has happened to me this year. 
I want to explain why I might limp, or why I am the weirdo eating my food in tiny bites. 
I want to explain why I have to ask people to repeat themselves when they are near my bad ear. 
Or why I may talk a little funny sometimes. 

Its because, when people know, they think I am great.
"Wow! You look amazing!" 
I never tire of hearing that.

But my goal for the New Year is to let people get to know me for me.
Not my past, or what I have been through.

I want them to like me because I am kind. 
Because I am a good friend.
Or because I am funny, or just fun to be around.

My goal is to lift others as I have been lifted.
To be more empathetic and less judgmental.

My goal is to continue to have Faith in Jesus Christ.

To remember my prayers were answered. 
He healed me.

To remember how many people care about me.

To remember that when I am in the trenches of dirty diapers, dog poop, and screaming kids...
This is what I prayed for. 

This is my life. 

To remember to not just be alive,
but to LIVE!



Here are some things we've been up to this December...

Our new puppy Rosie!


Christmas fun!


Christmas Eve Nativity
Mary, stable puppy, and Joseph.


Me and E





Friday, November 21, 2014

Keep On Keeping On

My second surgery was November 7th. I was very anxious and excited to have this surgery. But I was frightened at the same time. I was in the same place as my last surgery, and the prep was the same. The deja vu was suffocating me and I was freaking out on the inside. I wrote down some notes on my phone, while laying in the hospital bed, in an effort to calm myself:

        I feel like a cat fighting to stay out of the bathtub. I look calm, but inside I am screaming in terror. Every part of me is yelling at me to run! I have been here before. I know what happens next. I can't do it again. There has to be another way. Everyone that comes in is happy and smiling. Can they tell I am freaking out?
This is me in the pre-operating room a few minutes before they took me back for surgery.
I knew that this surgery, in comparison to my last, was no big deal. But being in the hospital again was very hard. The surgery was to remove the flap of skin off the side of my head.
This skin was harvested from my leg to compensate for the swelling that resulted after my surgery in August. 
(My August surgery consisted of: a tumor being removed from my jaw joint, along with the removal of my jaw joint, and portions of my jaw. Along with repairing the lining of my brain that had been damaged. Tissue was harvested from my leg to fill in the space where bone had once been. And a flap of skin was placed over the area; to be removed 3 months later when swelling had subsided.
The details are in earlier blog posts.)

This is me when I got home from the hospital.
Hello curly nasty dirty hair!
I wasn't allowed to wash it for a while.
 The surgery went very, very well. I was not even nauseous when I woke up! Which has never happened to me! I was able to go home the same day! I was very relieved and happy to go home. I was even more relieved that the skin flap was gone! I hated that thing!

On the way home from the hospital, I looked in the mirror.
Bad idea! Then I broke down. My right ear had been pushed down to at least an inch lower than my left ear, while the skin flap was attached. I was expecting my ears to be back to normal, and they are not. As soon as I saw that it was still (not as bad) lower than my left ear, I couldn't help but cry.
Cory immediately asked me if I was feeling sick, or hurting. I explained what was going on, and showed him my ear. He, knowing I like honesty, gave it to me straight. He agreed that my ears are still uneven. But he also reminded me what I had just recovered from. (You would think I would remember more easily!)
Cory said, "You had a tumor, and had your jaw removed! There is no bone there, and the reconstruction looks amazing. If one ear is a little lower, who cares?! No one would ever know, and you are lucky that you look almost as if nothing even happened." I love Cory!

Right ear, same day as surgery.

Incision where skin flap was removed.

I went to the doctor for my follow-up appointment, 6 days after surgery. Everything was healing great, and I was feeling good. My only challenge was taking care of my kids. I was told to not lift for 4-6 weeks. Yeah right! Um, four kids, remember?!
 I told my doctor I did not see how that was even close to possible. He explained to me how much trauma the area had experienced after two close surgeries, and how the blood vessels were susceptible to breaking open. So he told me to try and make it to two weeks. My parents had my kids a LOT, especially my 17 month old daughter Eleanor. Cory's parents helped a LOT too. With watching kids AND helping us around the house.

Cory has been amazing as well. This past year has put a huge strain on our marriage. How long can things be SO one-sided? He goes to work, then comes home and has to do everything. I feel so guilty all of the time. And frustrated, because I hate being helpless! He has been so great! He rarely complains, and luckily I am starting to get back into my normal routine.

I feel better than I have in a very long time! It feels amazing! I have had to mourn my old self. Mourn the fact that I am now limited in some ways. There are activities that I can never do again. I am coming to terms with that. Instead of listing the things that I will not be able to do, I am trying to develop new talents. I haven't been very active physically this past year, but I am getting better at playing the piano, sewing, and writing.:) I am making a goal to learn to play the guitar too. I feel like I have been given so much to replace what has been taken away. 

I am alive, I am loved, and I am healthy. I don't need much else.













Friday, October 10, 2014

Baseball

I played softball for several years growing up. I loved it! 
My first season playing, I got a black eye when I missed a ball and it hit me in the face.
I was not discouraged, and kept at it year after year. 
I have been anxiously awaiting the day when my children would be old enough to play. 
 CJ started baseball this August in a Fall league. It is one of the cutest things ever. Not that I am biased. When he got to play catcher recently, I almost cried! 
That was my position, and here was my cute seven year old all suited up.
 I was so proud. 
I mean, seriously?! This kid was born to wear a baseball  uniform!

I am so grateful to be able to feel good enough to go to his games,
 and watch him have such a good time. 
When I pictured my kids playing baseball, I never pictured myself not participating. 
I can't play. 
It makes me want to cry every time he wants to play catch, 
and I can't play with him.

 I am no longer allowed to do anything that could result in my jaw being bumped at all. 
With only one jaw joint, I am very vulnerable to being injured. 
If my remaining joint gets damaged, thats it.
 Goodbye solid food, or talking for that matter.
I played catcher growing up,
 because I was one of the only girls not afraid of the ball coming right at me. 
Now I have to be afraid of it. 

I feel like I am being a little dramatic about the whole thing. 
But it just serves as a reminder that things are different now. 
I am used to being hands on and playing with my kids. 
Now I always have to be careful. 
I don't like feeling fragile.

It has made me think a lot about what the phrase "endure to the end" means. 
I think it means to keep moving, one day at a time. 
I really am doing great, considering everything.
 But I forget, and am often reminded by my limitations, 
just how different my body is now.

I am beyond grateful to be alive and able to function as well as I do. 
But I am still mourning the life and body I had. 
I know that will take time. 
I imagine, like other loss I have experienced, 
I will learn to live with it, 
even though it never truly goes away.

I have great days, and harder days. 
There are moments I forget about my limitations, 
I feel almost "normal" again, 
then the pain reminds me. 

I watched this clip today that compared modern day courage
 to Esther from the Old Testament. 
For me Courage is having the faith to keep one foot in front of the other, 
even when its hard. 
Its accepting what you have,
 even if it's not what you planned. 

If the clip doesn't load click here: http://youtu.be/6nLsNRopWQE


Things turned out so well for me, 
and I am so grateful.
 I know one day I will have a perfect body again. 
And I know the one I have is better than some have. 

My pre-op appointment for my next surgery is October 28th. 
One day after I turn 31.
My surgery will be mid November.

I have had people asking how I am doing.
My answer is, Great!
I am making progress everyday.
I am truly blessed.
Maybe when my swelling is gone, after my next surgery, 
I can fit into a catchers mask, and then play catch?!
 Or maybe I just need to not miss the ball!!!






Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Arch Bars Removed!



I have not updated in a while. Mostly because I have been too busy enjoying taking back my regular life. 

It has been just over 6 weeks since my surgery. I have been doing amazing! 
All of the symptoms I had before my surgery (dizziness, fatigue, lightheadedness, migraines...) are gone. So I feel great! I am just healing from surgery and trying to adapt to my new jaw...or I guess I should say, what's left of my old one. I do tire easily, but that is improving everyday.

I have started to eat a lot more food, just continuing to cut it into little bites. I can chew minimally. But there is no power on my right side to eat anything too chewy or tough. I don't know if that will ever get better, but I have found plenty of foods to enjoy! Ice cream is my favorite food, and it is plenty soft!

I am so grateful for how well I am doing. I know it's miraculous. I really only feel weird around people who don't know what I  have been through recently. It's then that I feel very self conscious about limping around, or my wired teeth, or my swollen jaw, or strategically styled hair. I even wear sunglasses with the right side removed because my face is too swollen for sunglasses to fit.  
I actually thought my swelling was almost gone until I took a picture of myself on Sunday before my hair and makeup were done. I kept retaking it, thinking it was just a bad angle...
I am still pretty swollen, and I really need to get some sun! Haha! The incisions are healing beautifully though. My jaw has shifted slightly to the right because those muscles want to contract. 

It looks the worst when my mouth is open. But it could've been a lot worse! 


 Today I had the arch bars and wires removed from my mouth. I was very anxious to get them off, but I had no idea how hard it would be. It hurt, a lot, but after 15-20 minutes I was free! 
The archbars have wires, as big as the wire of a paper clip, and they wrapped around 16 of my teeth. Holding the bars in place that I attached my rubberbands to. The wires were very uncomfortable, so even though it hurt to get them out, I am so happy now!
This is a picture of the arch bars. They squished my teeth together in the front, but I can get that fixed eventually. 

This was right after my appointment. 

It is amazing to me what a difference doing my make up and hair makes.
It makes me realize you just never know what people are going through. Someone who didn't know me, would probably never guess how life changing this summer was for me and my family. It makes me wonder what trials other people are hiding, or that I am not aware of...
I hope I always remember that. 
This is me the same day as the top picture, just this past Sunday. 
If I can hide my crooked jaw, puffy cheek, incisions, and bum leg and look relatively "normal", who knows what other people might be covering up or keeping private.
I know most people are not as public as I have been these last few months. But everyone could use the kind of love and support I have received.

My next and hopefully last surgery will be in November. I am now walking without my cane and only a slight limp. Cory is back at work full time. And my kids are back to driving me crazy full time! Haha! 
The visible part of the incision on my neck is in a natural fold, and disappearing more everyday.

This is extra skin harvested from my leg, placed here to allow for swelling. This is what will be removed during my next surgery.


My leg is doing great. I am finally used to wearing pants again! 


I am claiming my life back, and I am loving it! 
Thank you all again for the prayers, positive thoughts, and well wishes. I take no credit for my progress. I know I am well because Heavenly Father answered the many prayers on my behalf. I am so blessed and so grateful!❤️


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Faith

I always used to wonder, as I read and learned scripture stories as a child,
 how can someone witness a miracle and 
still not believe in God or Jesus Christ. 
Now it is clear to me. 
Miracles do NOT convert people. 

Miracles can be explained away.
Time turns them into stories.

We can witness thousands of miracles and still not be truly converted. 
That is because we are human and we live in the moment. 
We forget so easily.

I am a walking miracle, literally. 
Before my surgery I prayed so much and so fervently.
 I promised the Lord that if He would heal me I would be a better person. 
I would put God first. I would serve others. I made so many promises.
When I woke up from surgery and learned how well the surgery went, 
I cried, because I knew. 

I knew a miracle had taken place for me and my family.
Not only was I not deformed, but they got everything out! 
I was going to live!!!
I was on my way to being myself again!

Then things got hard. Doubt set in.
This is what I looked like only 2 weeks ago...

I had no idea just how bad I would feel, physically and emotionally. 
Within one week of this miracle taking place, I was already doubting.
My prayers of gratitude and commitment turned into complaints and worry.
I worried that I would never get better.
Did I mention that patience is not my strong suit?! 

I think all of us have asked God at some point in our lives,
"Why has thou forsaken me?".
I truly felt as if I could not go on. 
I was at my limit, and I wanted to give up.

The scriptures from the New Testament the book of Matthew chapter 8 came to my mind.

Jesus in on a ship with His disciples. 
It says a great tempest arose, while Jesus slept.

Matthew 8:25
"And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, 
Lord, save us: we perish."

Matthew 8:26
"And he saith unto them, 
Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? 
Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; 
and there was a great calm." 

Was my faith really that weak?
How could I doubt the Lord so easily?
I was being so blessed, and I just needed to continue to trust in the Lord.

I know Miracles have taken place, and I am being blessed.

I know many who have prayed for healing, and their loved ones still passed away.
Why I am being healed, I don't know.
But I do know that the Lord is aware of all of us.
Whatever your trials are, trust in Him.
Have faith in Him and He will be able to calm the tempests in your life.
When you can't go on, He will carry you.

The miracles in my life are not happening to convert anyone
 to believe in God or Jesus Christ.
But I believe as trials happen to those reading this, 
you will remember the strength I found in having Faith in Jesus Christ.
 Then you can pray for yourself to God, 
and the Holy Ghost can testify to you, 
just as it does to me, 
that all things are possible through Jesus Christ.
You are important and He is aware of you and loves you.
I cannot convince you of that, but He can.


This was 11 days post surgery. 
About 1 week after the picture from above. 

The swelling has gone down even more as of today. 
Yesterday I even limped around Target for a few minutes. 
Everyday I claim a little bit more of my life back!


These scriptures have also been on my mind.
They are in the Book of Mormon 
Another Testament of Jesus Christ

Alma chapter 32:17-18,21

17 Yea, there are many who do say: If thou wilt show unto us asign from heaven, then we shall know of a surety; then we shall believe.
 18 Now I ask, is this faith? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for if a man knoweth a thing he hath no cause to believe, for he knoweth it.
 21 And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.

The full text can be found at LDS.org









Friday, August 15, 2014

Here Goes Nothing...(or Everything)

Today marks 2 weeks. Two weeks ago I was waking up from surgery. I finally looked at the pictures today. None were taken friday night when I woke up. But some were taken the next morning. I haven't wanted to see them. I still don't like looking at them. But my mom was wise enough to know I would need to see them, to see how far I have come. I have been very open in this blog. One thing I have never had a problem with is saying how I really feel. 
But something that I DO struggle with is being vulnerable.
 One of the reasons I asked for no visitors. 
I don't want anyone to see me when I am not at my best. 
I feel like since I have this blog I need to be real. I have been real so far, but I am afraid because I have been positive that I am not being clear about how much has actually happened.
I DO believe miracles took place in the operating room 2 weeks ago! I also believe I am being blessed beyond compare and I am healing quickly. But I still have a LOT to heal from. This is not going to be a quick recovery, even at a quick pace.

I would like to take you through the last 2 weeks. 
I never thought I would do this, but I am going to share some pictures. 
Some are graphic, so be warned.

Saturday Morning August 2:
I have 3-4 IVs in each arm. My right arm is on ice because it got hyperextended during surgery. I have multiple drains from my head and neck, and in my leg.

This is the next day. Some drains have been removed, and some IVs taken out.

This is when my eye was swollen almost shut. A view of the right side of my head. The incision is partially hidden from my hair, but goes up to the top of my head. Then in front of my ear, and around the back of my ear to the middle of my neck. I also have arch bars on my teeth and they are rubber banded closed.


Let me go over what was done. The tumor, which originated in my jaw joint 
(Official Pathology still pending although they think it was an aggressive benign tumor)
was removed along with the joint and the jaw bone attaching to the joint.
A Mandible-ectomy.
Then my brain was lifted up and all of the bad cells that had been pushing on my brain were successfully removed.
Then the muscle and fat was harvested from my right thigh and used to reconstruct my jaw.

The skin in front of my ear is from my leg, and placed there to allow room for the swelling.
I will have surgery in three months to remove it, when hopefully all of the swelling is gone.

While in the hospital the harvested tissue was constantly being monitored to make sure it didn't die.

The Miracles:
An Amazing team of doctors who are very skilled and did an amazing job!
They were able to remove all of the tumor cells, and think it is benign!
Amazing hopsital staff that took excellent care of me, and helped me heal.
All of the Love and Support and Prayers offered on my behalf that are helping me in my recovery.

I think I was moved from the ICU on day 3. Although I'm not sure.
The more I was awake, the more horrible I felt. I had some of my darkest moments, and most spiritual moments in the hospital. I have felt the love of my Savior, and am grateful that He is aware of me and cares about me.

This was the day before I left the hospital. I was feeling terrible. Everyone kept saying how great I looked. I suppose they meant compared to right after the surgery. It made me mad everytime. Especially once I looked in the mirror. I knew I was swollen, but I looked like crap. For those of you who know me well, you know I like to be told how it is, don't baby me.
I would tell everyone, "Well I'd hate to see me looking bad then!", 
"I have EYES! I know I look terrible!"

The worst was when I had a visitor, one of my sisters, and I was so excited to see her. But when she walked in I dove under my sheet and cried. I couldn't even bear to look at myself, let alone have anyone else see me.


I already posted about leaving the hospital and my first few days at home.
It has been hard. The hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have been nauseous, had headaches, can barely walk, and to top it off went to the ER on Monday with a UTI that had made it all the way to my kidneys.
There have been times I have been in despair. There are times I wondered if I should've ever had the surgery. Times when I felt like I would never be well again.

These are the hardest days of my life so far! But they are NOT the worst. I have also experienced so much JOY and love. There is so much good in the world, and it is there even in the hard times. I am growing, and I am being humbled and taught.
We have received so much kindness and it has lifted me up!
The cards, the well wishes, the meals, the prayers, the kind acts, they all mean so much to me!

My family has also been amazing! My husband Cory is the best person I know! How my 20 yr old self managed to marry someone like him, I will never know. He is the most loving, most caring, most loyal person I know. I told him I liked him before, but he will never be able to get rid of me now. 
I will never forget the love he has shown me these past weeks. 
He is the definition of unconditional love.


I guess my point is, no matter how bad things are, there is still good. I am still at the beginning of a long road that totally sucks, but I am aware of my blessings. I am grateful for them, and I need them!

The main lesson I have learned is my hardest times do not have to be my worst times. If you look for the good you will find it. All of us.
For now this is my view,when my kids are home. Someday soon I will be able to hold them again! Someday soon I will be able to have my regular wonderful life back.


 

For now I have a body to heal, and its going to take months. And I have plenty to keep me smiling, like this awesome pamphlet from the hospital on how to use my cane! Haha!

Someday soon I am going to wear pants again. Although, it is kind of nice never having to get dressed. Maybe that's why Cory has been so nice to me?!
I am doing well considering it has only been 2 weeks. 
I am naseous less, and my headaches are less frequent.
My medicine helps with the pain. 
My faith helps with my spirit.

When people ask how I am Cory says,
"She walks with a cane, drinks Ensure, and sleeps a lot. 
I am married to an old Lady".
I will add, "Happily Married".






Sunday, August 10, 2014

Video

This is my testimony recorded a couple of weeks ago for the young women I go to church with. It was spur of the moment, and I ramble a little (a LOT), but this is a video of me talking. 

I am being blessed beyond anything I could have ever imagined. My goal is to spread the love of the Savior to all! 

No matter what your religious beliefs, I know that if we judge each other a little less and love each other more we would all find peace.❤️

Friday, August 8, 2014

There is no place like home!


7-10 days in the hospital after my surgery, if everything went perfect. 
I got to go home in five days! I know that huge miracles have taken place for me this past week. Huge! I got to keep more of my jaw than the doctors initially thought. They only took down to the bottom right corner. I have all of my teeth!  I have a lot of hair left. And I have been healing very quickly! 
It doesn't feel very quick to me. But it is much much faster than what the doctors expected.
I still look very different to me, but I know it could have been worse.
I was very upset when the doctors told me I would be going home on Wednesday. Like mad mad! I was crying and telling the doctors surrounding my bed that I wanted to stay at the hospital. Despite the nasty food, and very loud neighbors, I felt safe there. I cried to the doctors about how I wasn't ready. They said I had reached all of the milestones I needed to, early, and that I should be happy to go. My kids would be so happy to see me they said. 
My kids?! My poor kids! I wasn't ready to face them. I had nightmares of them rushing into see me and being afraid. My face is SO swollen! I was positive they would think I was a monster, and not their mother. With swollen face, missing hair, incision from the top of my head to the middle of my neck, mouth wired shut, and a huge incision on my leg, and only able to walk with a cane. I couldn't go home!
The doctors assured me it was for the best. They didn't want me exposed to the germs of the hospital any longer than necessary.
Cory, who had been staying with me agreed. It was time.
I cried, again. Come on! After all I had been through, can't they just let me stay a little longer?! From the beginning everything has been out of my control, even this. I was going home.
The nurses I had gotten to know helped me prepare. They tenderly helped me wash my hair and body. I have never been so grateful for the care I have received. Nurses are Angels on earth without question. I have no doubt that their love and tenderness aided my quick recovery as much as anything else. I was fitted for a cane and my dad drove me home, while Cory went to the pharmacy to get all of my prescriptions.

It was a long day, but I got home on Wednesday night. I was exhausted and scared of life without the nurses by my side. My kids would not be there until the next day. So those fears were pushed aside. Climbing into my bed was A-mazing! For about 15 minutes. I constantly struggle with getting comfortable, because it is hard to lay upright, when you don't have a hospital bed.

The next day I was able to actually shower (sitting in a chair in the shower). I washed more of the gunk from my remaining hair. I tried to style it in a way to cover at least part of my swollen face. I felt ready to see the kids. 
They came in, and it was better than I could have imagined. They were apprehensive, but only for a moment. They hugged me and kissed me, and told me things they had been waiting to share. 
Pure joy! They accepted me, without question. I was so relieved and so happy. My baby Eleanor recognized me right away. She was so excited and refused to leave my side. I was sure she wouldn't remember me, let alone recognize me. But she did. 

I still feel like crap. I look about the same. But the real healing has begun.
My family and Cory's family have been wonderful. And Cory has been the most amazing husband ever. I move constantly throughout the night. From bed, to couch, to recliner...trying to get comfortable. Cory wakes up with me each time. He helps me move, and makes a new bed next to me each time. I feel loved, and safe, and nurtured. I rely on others for everything still. I am in pain, and I am grumpy. They still love me, and I am so grateful.  

I am not up for visitors of any kind yet. So please respect that for now. But thank you for those continuing to pray for us, and for signing up to help with other things through my mom and through church. 
There is still a long road ahead. I can't do it alone. But I'm not alone.



Tuesday, August 5, 2014

My Mount Everest

Cory did so good updating the blog the other day. But he doesn't want to take over permanently. Probably because he knows how therapeutic writing is to me.

Tonight is Tuesday night, four days after waking up from my surgery.
I feel like I am at the bottom of Mount Everest, and I know I have to climb. The only problem is, I can barely walk. Barely get out of bed even. How can I climb a mountain when I am in so much pain?! 

Everyone says I am healing quickly. My sutures are small and will barely be noticeable...someday. The surgery was the best case scenario. I am so grateful they didn't have to take more of my jaw! 
I couldn't  stop crying when I heard the good news upon waking up. I was so happy. That's what I need to focus on. 

I was feeling pretty confidant until I looked in the mirror yesterday. It is so scary to not recognize the face looking back at you. And everyone is saying I look good! I would hate to see me looking bad! 

I have made small goals for myself. Like get out of bed to use the bathroom. Or to use a walker to walk around the hall way. 

I can do the physical pain. Even though I have never been in more pain ever!
It's more the pain to my soul when I see how I look through other peoples expressions. 

My last goal for today is to find the positive and cling to it. The positive things will carry me to the top of the mountain.
So today I did 4 laps instead of one around the hall. I gave myself a spongth bath. Brushed my teeth( kind of). Tried to eat more. I am not feeling as nauseous today and I can finally focus my eyes enough to read. My swelling has gone down so I can open my right eye all of the way. I can feel a lot of my face, and move it!
I am still not ready for visitors. I am still adjusting. But I can finally read any messages you send.

Things are really hard. But I know they could have been much worse. That is what I am trying to focus on.
Giving up would be so easy right now. It is tempting. Getting better is hard, and it hurts. 

I didn't want to write an update, because I didn't want it to be depressing. But this is the truth. It's hard, but I am still here. Even Mount Everest has to be climbed one day at a time. 


This is my current view. I wear these leg massagers while in bed to prevent blot clots. The walker is also mine. And that door is the bathroom. Yes, walking that far was a big deal!❤️

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Post-Surgery Update

I am going to start with a huge disclaimer right from the start, that this post is being written by Amanda's husband Cory, and my strengths do not include writing amazing blog posts. So proceed with caution....

On our early morning drive to the hospital, Amanda made me promise that I put some sort of update on "our" blog at the end of the day. I probably would have said yes to anything she asked for during that drive, so I consider myself pretty lucky. 

Once Amanda was checked in at the hospital she went straight to the back to get prepared for surgery. I think we were both caught a little off guard thinking we would have the full two-hour wait time with each other. I was really disappointed when we found out we would probably only have the half-hour right before her surgery. 

When we first found out about Amanda's tumor she wanted me to let out my emotions "because it is good for a person to cry." That one time opened the floodgates and now it cannot be controlled. The daily pep talks of "control yourself, Brouhard" are useless. So when they took Amanda back this morning I found a hidden corner of the waiting room so I could give myself a useless pep talk.

I was able to go back to Amanda a little early. We met again with most of the members of the surgical team and we both felt really confident in the team of doctors. The neurosurgeon referred to the team as the A-team and told us how everyone on the team was outstanding. Fast forward 14-hours and I do agree that the surgical team was amazing!

I was a little worried that when Amanda woke up she might forget who I was and I would have to convince her to marry me once again. What are the odds I could convince her twice? I had to give myself another pep talk when the nurse asked if I was Cory and told me that Amanda had been asking for me. It was the best feeling to know that she was awake and she still liked me.

We received a lot of good feedback on how the surgery went. The biggest piece of good news was that they confirmed the tumor was not cancerous but a highly aggressive tumor. This was a huge relief since the biopsy was leaning towards a low-grade cancer and not a benign tumor. 

More good news was that she was able to keep a good portion of her jaw line. Two weeks ago the thought was that the bone would end before the midpoint of her jawbone between her chin and the back of the jaw. The actual spot was off of the angle on the back of her jawbone. 

She still has a full head of hair. They shaved a small strip on each side of the incision. This is an added bonus.

Also, the tumor was not attached to the brain. It was into the cranial cavity and was pushing on the membrane (dura). The neurosurgeon is confident they removed all of the bad cells and was able to "patch" the opening.

The reconstruction has also gone really well so far. There is a small chance that the tissue that was transferred from her leg to her jaw will not take and they would need to try again. This is highly unlikely but one of the risks still out there. From what I have seen so far it looks like it is doing well. This is something they will watch over the next 48 hours.

There was also a huge concern with facial paralysis. They did not need to cut the nerve which is really good news. I have seen her smile, raise eyebrows, blink, wrinkle her nose, and she could feel every spot on her face that the doctor touched. However, she was not able to whistle. Luckily, she couldn't do that before either.

She was pretty out of it when I saw her but she asked how the surgery went. As I told her each of item of good news she would start to cry.

As I think back on the last 8 weeks or so, it has been a whirlwind of emotions. We have had many sad moments and we have had many happy moments. We are so grateful for the thousands of prayers that have been said on behalf of Amanda and our family. We are grateful for all of the text messages, emails, cards, notes, phone calls, meals, play dates, and help that people have provided. We have had prayers on our behalf from people we have never met and may never meet. We have felt the love of our family, friends, church ward members, co-workers, and complete strangers. 

As we met with a church leader a few weeks back he said that we would get through this trial and look back on it as a blessing and be glad that we went through it. I so look forward to when this is entirely behind us but I know we will always look at this as a blessing. I have never felt more love from our Heavenly Father than I have felt these last 8 weeks. I know as we go through the next days, weeks and months that he will be there for us and continue to pour his love out to us. 

We have been so blessed and are so fortunate that things have gone so well but Amanda is not done yet! She still has a lot of healing left. Please continue to pray for her as she recovers. 

Friday, August 1, 2014

Surgery

I finally uttered the words the 3 days ago. 
I have written about it, thought about it, talked about it, cried about it. 
But only yesterday did I actually say the words, 
I have Cancer.
I almost didn't believe myself as the words came out.
 Cancer is such a dirty word! 
It's the kind of word that sucks all of the goodness from the room. 
A word that makes people scared and sad. 
I have heard it many times. 
I have felt sympathy for people who have lost the lottery of health. 
I have cried and ached for those who have had to battle cancer as I watch from afar.
I had no idea.
My doctors say I have cancer. I have seen my scans. 
Something is there that shouldn't be. 
I have been having symptoms for months, years even. 
But it is still hard to absorb. 
Cancer is something that people have to fight or die!
 I don't feel like I am dying.

I am writing this when I should be sleeping. How can I sleep? 
In a few hours I will give my husband and parents one last hug, 
and then I will be in surgery.
My surgery is today (it is 1am) August 1st. 
I check in early and the actual surgery starts at 7:30am.
Please pray not just for me but for the surgeons, and my family. 

I am anxious about the unknown, but I feel much calmer than I expected.
There is one subject that has been consuming my thoughts over the past few days.
That subject is Miracles. 
There are literally hundreds of people praying for me and my family. 
How I have so much support is beyond any explanation I can give.
 It is a miracle.
My family being closer than ever, and so many people pulling together to help us get through this.
Also a miracle.
The fact that the tumor I have is in a place that caused me chronic symptoms. Symptoms that made me feel sick enough to return to my doctor over and over again until progress was made.
A miracle.

Our prayers are working! The miracles have already begun. 
I do not feel like my prayers are only answered if this trial is miraculously removed from my life.
I anticipate that upon surgery, the doctors will find exactly what the scans showed. 
The miracles are usually NOT the main event!

Is God capable of miraculously healing me?
I know He is.
But that is not what life is about. 

We need the trials to learn and progress. 
The miracles are what get us through.

No matter what our trials are, I know if we look for the miracles in our life we would all see many.

I am only one person. 
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love ALL of us!
I know they are aware of all of us, and all of our needs.

I feel anxious about the surgery, but calm that all will be well.
I hope everyone reading this can see the Lord's hand in their lives, 
and acknowledge the miracles that occur daily!

Jesus Christ Lives!
He loves us!
Kneel down and ask Him yourself. 
He is waiting to comfort and guide you.

Like I said in the beginning,
I have cancer,
But I am NOT cancer.

I plan on fighting cancer to the death, and living to tell the tale!



Thank you for the continued prayers!
I will have a family member update this blog after my surgery tomorrow.

-Amanda