Surgery Date!

My official surgery date is August 1st. I would like to thank everyone for all of the prayers and well wishes. I wish you could feel whats in my heart. I can literally feel the prayers being offered on my and my family's behalf, and it is amazing!

Although I still have all of my symptoms, we are trying our best to have a good time until my surgery. We are eating at all of my favorite restaurants, and spending time together. 

I have had some very positive appointments recently also. The Neurosurgeon does not believe the tumor has gone past the first lining of the brain! He also said, if it has, that it is the best part of the brain to lose. Such good news!!!

I feel very confident in the team of doctors I have working on this. 

I feel very blessed to be under their care. 

I am so grateful for the time I have to spend with my family before surgery, and all of the other people willing to help! How do people deal with major illnesses alone? I have people to watch my kids, take me to appointments, and just help my life keep running. After one of my appointments I saw a lady wandering around outside the hospital in a gown and hospital socks. That's so sad. This is hard enough with support, I cant imagine doing this alone. 

All I have to do is get better. 

I have the easy part. 

Plus I have an amazing medical team to help me.  

I still have moments where I break down and cry. But thanks to some family and family friends I feel very empowered and much more knowledgable about what to expect.

Mostly I am just trying to eat as much yummy food as I can, and do fun things with my family. Cory even finally agreed to let me get Eleanor's ears pierced! She looks adorable!!!

 Photos: courtesy of Genna:)

This week one of my amazing friends Shana, took some family pictures for us. She gave me a few sneak peeks of the kids individual pictures. These pictures mean so much to me!!!

 My kids are adorable, but WOW!

Then Miss Genevieve got her tonsils out!

This was the "before".

Then it was Everett's 3rd Birthday!

He celebrated most of the day with G&G until we got back from the hospital with Genna.

Then it was Cory's 35th Birthday! What did he get to do? More doctor appointments! haha! Poor guy.

 I promised him a 35 part II next year.

Overall, we are feeling pretty good. This still totally sucks! BUT I feel like I have grown so much already, and I know Cory has too. We are closer than ever, and happier than ever. 

I am very blessed.

Stronger

It has been barely over two days since we met with the 

Head and Neck Oncology Surgeon. 

It feels like 2 weeks.  We took the news pretty hard, and already I feel like things are looking brighter, even though the circumstances haven't changed. 

Its amazing what a difference even a couple of days can make. I am completely in awe and overwhelmed with all of the love and support we have received from family and friends, and even people we have never met. 

I am learning that with great trials, 

we receive great blessings. 

I am also learning that no matter what happens, life moves on. 

My four small children help keep things very real.

My three year old still asks for apple juice every 5 minutes.

At least one of them wants a snack at every moment of the day.

They play, laugh, and fight as if nothing has changed.

This helps me  feel "normal".

I have been very worried that this trial will change me. 

That when the doctors operate on the most delicate part of my body

 (my brain), 

that I might wake up different. 

My children are so young, 

they will have very few memories of 

the mother who has raised them up until now. 

I realized today that I will be different, 

and that is one of the blessings I am receiving.

 I am learning and growing. Trials are referred to as a refiners fire, because sometimes it hurts so much it feels like my whole body and soul cannot take even one more ounce of pain or fear. 

But the pain is temporary, and the blessings remain. 

My children will never remember the young self-absorbed mother I am leaving behind. 

They will know the wiser, more compassionate, 

more understanding mother I will become.

When things are good in my life I tend to get my priorities out of order. Cory and I have such a great life. I have taken so much for granted. Not anymore. 

I have cried, and cried, and cried.

 I have asked God why. Its not fair, I have so much to live for! 

The answer I have received is, it's not fair, it is life.

Why shouldn't I get sick? Everyone has trials.

There are babies and children in the hospital this very minute with even more serious illnesses than I have. People lose loved ones all of the time. 

Why not me? 

This is what I signed up for. I wanted to come to earth and receive a physical body. This is what comes with it. The good and the bad. 

I have experienced such a wonderful life so far.

It is full of love and so many blessings. 

I am not giving up! I feel so strong and capable of beating this.

I am still scared. But feel brave.

I don't want to do this! But I have no choice. I have so much to live for. 

Life is going to move on, and I plan on moving along with it. 

I will not be left behind. 

I am thirty years old, and I plan on seeing my grandchildren turn thirty.

I feel so blessed to have so many people praying for me, and rooting for me, and serving me. Even those of you I have never met or haven't seen in years. I am grateful for the people who treat me kindly that have no idea what is going on. Every kind word, smile, or pleasant conversation make me feel so blessed and taken care of. It is so true that you never know what someone might be going through. It amazes me how God can bless me even through total strangers. I hope that I can do the same for others.

My cousin Hayley sent me this wonderful quote that

 sums up exactly how I feel.

I feel loved. I feel strong. I feel hopeful!

Surgery Consultation

Meeting with the surgeon did not bring the closure I had hoped for. My CT scans from the biopsy two weeks ago show that the tumor has grown. Now it has depleted the bone separating  the joint from my brain and entered the cranial cavity.

The surgeon told us that changes everything. Now I will not be able to have a bone graft because the new bone could puncture my brain. The cranial bone cannot be replaced. So now they will be taking the jaw bone I have left all the way to about two inches before the right point of my chin!

They will harvest tissue from my thigh in hopes to fill in 

what will be concave with the removal of the tumor.

My jaw will want to shift with the absence of bone so they will wire it shut for 6 weeks, and I will never be able to eat anything but soft food, even after everything heals.

Because my brain is now involved I will have an incision from the top of my head to my neck. 

I am so sad about losing my hair. As vain as that sounds. A Neurosurgeon will lift my entire brain so the other surgeon can remove the tumor. 

This brings obvious risk that I would rather not say let alone acknowledge by writing them down.

The facial nerve is also right on top of where they will be working. With that I can lose feeling in the right half of my face permanently. Making it droop.  And I can also lose feeling in my mouth and throat, which would affect my ability to swallow.

So, my first post was much more positive. I am trying to stay positive. I feel like with each appointment we get more bad news. Just when I accept that bad news, it gets worse. Maybe I should be grateful it has come in stages. I would have crumbled had I received all of this news at once.

The surgeon said once he sees the tumor and removes it he will know

 if I need radiation or chemotherapy after the surgery.

The good news is the CT scan of my chest looked clear of any cancer! Finally some good news. Other things I have in my favor are that I am young and otherwise healthy. My body should heal fast.

I am worried about being in surgery for now 12-16 hours, or more. But as much as I hate to admit it I am worried about seeing myself after surgery. I have always been pretty. I don't know what to do if all of the sudden I look deformed. I think the final blow for vain me was my invisilign. My teeth were really starting to look great, and now I have to pause treatment, or restart it at some point in the future if at all. I have to remove the brackets I have for that today, and it's very emotional for me. It was the one normal thing I was hanging on to. The one thing that wouldn't change because of all of this.

I know I am lucky they are saving my life from cancer. I am grateful my prognosis looks good so far. I want to live! But I can't help but feel like the life I have lived so far is ending and I will be different when I wake up. I guess only time will tell.

Still no actual date for surgery. There are a lot of teams of doctors to coordinate. It will be sooner than later. I won't be able to talk much with my jaw wired shut, but maybe blogging will be therapeutic?

I will be in the hospital for at least 7-10 days.  

Please pray not only for me but especially for Cory and my family. 

Our only way around this is through it. We have no choice but to move forward, but my goal is to come out on the other side stronger, and unbroken. The Savior is the only one who can make that happen. I know He is aware of me and I can feel the prayers being offered on my behalf.

Let's take it from the top...

I feel like it's time I explain myself. I have been sick for several months, with being lightheaded, and dizzy mostly. After many, many, many trips to the doctor, and me trying to convince my doctor I wasn't crazy I finally have some answers.

I have a tumor where my right jaw joint should be. My joint is completely gone and the tumor is destroying more bone as it grows.

We received good news and bad news. The bad news is they think it is cancerous, but the good, no GREAT news is they think it is a low grade cancer!

That means the survival rates are very high. I will be having surgery soon to remove the tumor and reconstruct the bone that has been destroyed or has to be removed.

I felt like I better explain so everyone has the real story. I am sick, yes it is serious, BUT I am well. I have received and continue to receive lots of support. I trust my doctors, and feel comfortable with what they have planned. Most of all I have wonderful parents who have really stepped up to the plate to help with my four kids, and an amazing husband who has been a dad and a mom for the last a several months.

I do not particularly like sharing very personal things publicly, especially on FB. But I feel strongly that #1 I need to honest about what is going on and 

#2 I need to take every opportunity I have to share my testimony of Jesus Christ with others.

Cory and I have been through hard trials before, and I know we will get through this trial also. Sometimes life really sucks! I know I can't get through this on my own, but I know if I turn to the Savior, he will carry me through this. We live in an imperfect world, and have imperfect bodies. But I know I am still being blessed!

My goal is to share my journey and

acknowledge the blessing my family and I receive along the way.