Friday, October 10, 2014

Baseball

I played softball for several years growing up. I loved it! 
My first season playing, I got a black eye when I missed a ball and it hit me in the face.
I was not discouraged, and kept at it year after year. 
I have been anxiously awaiting the day when my children would be old enough to play. 
 CJ started baseball this August in a Fall league. It is one of the cutest things ever. Not that I am biased. When he got to play catcher recently, I almost cried! 
That was my position, and here was my cute seven year old all suited up.
 I was so proud. 
I mean, seriously?! This kid was born to wear a baseball  uniform!

I am so grateful to be able to feel good enough to go to his games,
 and watch him have such a good time. 
When I pictured my kids playing baseball, I never pictured myself not participating. 
I can't play. 
It makes me want to cry every time he wants to play catch, 
and I can't play with him.

 I am no longer allowed to do anything that could result in my jaw being bumped at all. 
With only one jaw joint, I am very vulnerable to being injured. 
If my remaining joint gets damaged, thats it.
 Goodbye solid food, or talking for that matter.
I played catcher growing up,
 because I was one of the only girls not afraid of the ball coming right at me. 
Now I have to be afraid of it. 

I feel like I am being a little dramatic about the whole thing. 
But it just serves as a reminder that things are different now. 
I am used to being hands on and playing with my kids. 
Now I always have to be careful. 
I don't like feeling fragile.

It has made me think a lot about what the phrase "endure to the end" means. 
I think it means to keep moving, one day at a time. 
I really am doing great, considering everything.
 But I forget, and am often reminded by my limitations, 
just how different my body is now.

I am beyond grateful to be alive and able to function as well as I do. 
But I am still mourning the life and body I had. 
I know that will take time. 
I imagine, like other loss I have experienced, 
I will learn to live with it, 
even though it never truly goes away.

I have great days, and harder days. 
There are moments I forget about my limitations, 
I feel almost "normal" again, 
then the pain reminds me. 

I watched this clip today that compared modern day courage
 to Esther from the Old Testament. 
For me Courage is having the faith to keep one foot in front of the other, 
even when its hard. 
Its accepting what you have,
 even if it's not what you planned. 

If the clip doesn't load click here: http://youtu.be/6nLsNRopWQE


Things turned out so well for me, 
and I am so grateful.
 I know one day I will have a perfect body again. 
And I know the one I have is better than some have. 

My pre-op appointment for my next surgery is October 28th. 
One day after I turn 31.
My surgery will be mid November.

I have had people asking how I am doing.
My answer is, Great!
I am making progress everyday.
I am truly blessed.
Maybe when my swelling is gone, after my next surgery, 
I can fit into a catchers mask, and then play catch?!
 Or maybe I just need to not miss the ball!!!