Wednesday, September 2, 2015

One Year- We are Moving!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc


I have been loving "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten. To me it sums up exactly how I feel, and exactly what I have been doing this last year. I can't believe it has been 1 year since my first surgery! I celebrated by having one last surgery:) This 1 year anniversary has brought on a whole range of emotions, and life has brought lots of blessing and changes our way.

In February I got braces. Yep, braces. And I was (not) excited. When my tumor was first found, I was told I would lose some of my bottom teeth when my jaw bone was removed. Because I was so blessed and they did not have to remove that part of jaw, I was able to keep all of my teeth! With my jawjoint missing, my entire lower jaw has shifted to the right. This is because the muscles act like rubber bands, and the bone was no longer there to balance the pull. So, the braces are to try and fix my bite. After surgery my teeth were now only touching in one spot. So braces were put on to shift my teeth to a position where they might be able to touch and bit and chew. There is no promised outcome, but I have great doctors who are doing their best. Its hard when there are no prior cases to compare to. 
The braces could be on for a while, but I am trying to keep things in perspective and to continue to be grateful that I have all of my teeth (And I have clear braces on the top).


In June, our family had the opportunity to go to Disneyworld! We have some amazing friends that helped us make that dream a reality, and we had an amazing trip with them. I have a lot of guilt from being sick for so long. Guilt about my kids getting the short end of the stick. Missing out on activities that I couldn't take them to, or just being preoccupied in general. So since I have been feeling so good, I have been trying to make that up to them. I know it wasn't my fault, or anyone's fault, but it still happened, and my kids suffered, and my marriage suffered. So this year I have been on a mission to change that. Disneyworld was a great start!

 






We also decided this year that we needed to sell our house. We had been thinking about it for sometime, but obviously we were busy with other things. So this summer, we sold it, and it sold fast! We had no idea what our next move would be, but we knew we were on the right track. We moved into an apartment on a short-term lease and a lot of faith. Fast forward a few months, and we are packing to leave for Utah in a few weeks! Who would've thought?! Cory got a job in Salt lake and we will be living north of Salt Lake. We are really excited for this next chapter in our lives!

I recently had my one year follow up after my Jaw was removed last August. 
My scans are clear (NO new tumor!), 
and I am adapting to my new circumstances. 
Its to the point now, that I don't think about it all of the time. 
Other than a big scar on my leg (That I told my kids I got from a shark bite. My scar, My story), 
it is almost back to normal. I am the slowest eater in the world, but I was pretty slow before too. 
Most of that is due to talking. I still dont have feeling from the middle of my right cheek to behind my right ear. The doctor thinks that will remain. It feels weird, but its more annoying than anything. The hearing in my right ear is not great, but not completely gone. the doctor said my ear drum is healthy, but it is there is a build up of fluid because its not draining right because its not in the same position it was before. 
It feels as if there is always cotton in my ear. 

In the (3rd)surgery I had a couple of weeks ago, they repaired my septum that was extremely deviated. the right side of my nose was blocked almost completely. This was a separate issue from my tumor surgery, but it is related, because I needed the inside of my nose fixed, so my sinuses and ear could drain properly. With hopes of regaining some hearing in my right ear.

Almost two weeks out and my hearing is already improving! I look the same, other than my nose looks a little straighter because the repair work was on the inside. I asked the doctor to keep me looking the same. I have looked in the mirror and not recognized my reflection before, and I didn't want to do that again. There are a lot of things I dont like about how I look, but I  look like me. An added bonus to my hearing improving, is I can actually breathe! I didn't realize how bad I was breathing before!

As I said before, I feel like my marriage suffered when things were really bad. What I mean by that is not that we weren't still in love, or that we didnt want to be together. But life was hard. Cory was asked to give give give give. It was lobsided and it wasnt fair. Everyone would ask him how I was doing, but no one really thinks about the care-giver. He was amazing! He took care of everything, without complaining. But how long can that go on? I cant imagine if I had been sick for even longer. people who suffer through major illnesses are amazing, but their care-givers are right up there too!

There is also the matter of survivors guilt. At the one year mark for me, I am alive and well, with a long life ahead. There are others who became ill the same time as me, who have now passed on. I get to make memories with my kids and husband, and others are gone. 

Why some people receive miracles like we did, and others suffer and even die, I don't know. It makes me feel guilty, grateful, blessed, indebted...
It's like when your friend miscarries a baby while you go on to deliver a healthy baby.
 I feel so happy and so empathetic all at the same time.

To sum up my update, I know it was long...
I am healthy, happy, and very aware of my blessings. Some friendships have changed, some of my priorities have changed, some relationships have been mended. 

My body is different than it was a year ago, but in most ways I feel like I am more my true self than I have ever been!